food and drink

A husband and wife are huddled in front of a crackling fireplace placing index cards around a model size replica of their dining room table. “So, I think my mother and father will sit on the side furthest from the kitchen, next to Uncle Robert and the orphan twins.” says the wife, meticulously shaping the index cards to size. “You’ll be at the head of the table because you’re the man of this house and this is your special day. I know how much you just love the holidays.” With a red and green pen, she alternates the colors of the letters in Uncle Robert’s name. Red U, green N, red C, green L…

He leans over to kiss his wife on the forehead and asks, “More marshmallows, dear?” Just outside, a light dusting of snow punctuates their perfectly tasteful nativity scene; the footprints of carolers slowly disappearing beneath the angel dandruff. The husband adjusts the belt on his almost-too-big robe and watches Mr. Henderson hang another row of icicle lights from his roof. He’ll have to remember to compliment him on another marvelous holiday display. You did it again Mr. Henderson, you old so and so!

Bag of marshmallows in hand, the husband returns to the floor in front of the tiny dining room table. “Finished!” exclaims his wife. “Another perfect holiday dinner party, coming up!” He nods in approval, admiring the table’s fine craftsmanship as well as his wife’s penmanship. A bewitching smirk crosses his wife’s face as she picks up the remaining blank index cards and glitter vials. “You know honey, we still have two seats left. What if you could wish upon the star that lead the three wise men to the newborn king? And with that wish of all wishes, you could have anybody, anybody in the world, join our holiday dinner party. Who would you pick?”

The husband runs a hand through his wife’s hair and ponders this holiday riddle. “Anybody in the world? My dear, I thought you’d never ask. I wish I may, I wish I might, that both Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston would join us that joyous night!” He playfully taps her on the nose. “Boop! Here let me help you wi-” His sentence is interrupted as his wife throws the miniature dining room table and accompanying index cards into the fireplace.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TREVOR?” The flames of hell reflect in her eyes as the names of their family, friends and all of the orphan twins turn to ash. “Are you fucking serious right now? Here’s an idea, why don’t we sit some of your porno girls next to gram-mem! They can shake their tushes in Trevor Jr’s face while he says the Lord’s Blessing! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?” She storms off to the kitchen. He can hear drawers violently opening and closing and she rummages for the keys to the liquor cabinet.

He chases after her. “But honey, don’t you remember when the man from Reuters called me at the office and asked me to participate in that holiday dinner poll? My answers are firmly in line with the rest of America!” With a warm smile he puts his hand on her chin. Their eyes meet and he calmly says, “Now, why don’t we try to save what’s left of the miniature dining room table and your delightful index cards and call it a night, ok?”

Have a holly jolly Christmaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhh

She snaps her head away from him and takes a large gulp from a bottle of scotch, now free from its triple locked cabinet. Wiping her lips with the back of her hand before taking another large gulp, she says,”You take your fucking hands off me and you get the fuck out of this house.” He knows he’s lost. There would be no braised goose or razzleberry dumplings or sweet apple gravybutter for Trevor this year. She has that look in her eye that says, “Trevor, you won’t be getting a second helping of shoe-fly marmalade for your freshly baked pfeffernüsse this holiday season. I’ve already filed the papers for our divorce, and I’ve written ‘Trevor’ on a new index card, crossed it out, and wrote ‘Jay Leno’ instead. He’s the funniest man in America, and he’ll be sitting right next to me. Forever. I hate you.” Her eye was so expressive.

~ A SPECIAL HOLIDAY GREETING FROM SUPERTMH2 ~

Hey folks, John here. I hope you enjoyed this year’s very special holiday update! Can you believe people actually want to have dinner with those yahoos? Rachel Ray? Who is that even? Charlie Sheen? What, the dope addict from television? Yeah right! But seriously folks, I hope you all have a wonderful (and SAFE! hehe) holiday season! We had a lot of laughs this year, didn’t we? Oh boy. Yup. Good, uh… good times. Well, hey, don’t let me keep you. I’ll see you… next year! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha holy shit

xoxo
John