You look around the room, frozen with fear. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of being upstaged. You take a swig of your beer, choke it down, and retreat into the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and ask, “Is my Halloween costume topical enough?” You are dressed as a bent iPhone 6. Some drunken party goer foolishly thought you were a calculator. Really Susan? A calculator? What’s topical about that? I’m the thing that was in the news a few weeks ago, you know, that thing that was trending? I don’t think your costume is trending Susan. Nobody gives a shit about lady pirates anymore Susan. Nobody. Susan.
It’s 2009 and I’ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral
As an adult, it’s important to outfit yourself with the most topical Halloween costume possible. Look, any idiot can dress up as a ghoul, or a goblin, or as a member of the bands Ghoul or Goblin, but you want a costume that says, “Hey remember that thing that just happened? Maybe this hastily put together collection of trash stapled to my body will refresh your memory.” Something that will be relevant for the duration of the party and will slowly become less and less clever as the night goes on until you’re driving home, wondering if maybe your costume which consisted of a white t-shirt with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font was not only in poor taste, but also completely stupid. You will peak around 9:30, when a guy dressed as the dad from 7th Heaven will corner you and say “Ohhhhh shit bro this guy is crazy! Look everyone it’s Ebola! Hahahaha oh shit this guy is Ebola! Oh wow. So dark. So relevant.” The life of the topical Halloween costume wearer is filled with exhilarating highs and devastating lows.
So, obviously you’re looking for a way to ensure your costume is as topical as humanly possible. All you have to do is fire up your favorite news source on the morning of the party and rip your costume straight from the headlines. Feel superior over your friends and coworkers, whose costume ideas are stale, entry level, try-hardy bullshit.
Like, oh cool, you’re a dude in cardboard gladiator armor screaming about Sparta? Well I’m Buzzfeed’s “21 Incredibly Easy Salsa Recipes You Need To Try.” That story was posted right before I got here and I’m going to bob the shit out of some apples, amigo. Or, hey, a Guy Fawkes mask. You must be V for Very Bad at Topical Costumes. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m dressed as Joko Widodo, the new president of Indonesia. HE WAS SWORN IN 8 HOURS AGO. If this costume was any more topical you’d be rubbing it on your genital warts.
Are you a gal looking to spice up your topical costume? Give the boys in accounting at the Halloween happy hour something to talk about? You’re in luck. Sexy modifiers can be added to ANY topical Halloween costume to increase arousal points. For example, you could go as sexy Donald Sterling. You could wear a tube top with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font. That’s relevant AND sexy because Ebola is killing people and you have boobs.
So this Halloween, follow these tips, stay safe and stay topical. As for me? I’m getting into the future-sexy-topical game. I’ll be the guy dressed as Oscar Pistorius being released from prison in 2019, and I’ll have the sexiest leg blades you’ve ever seen.
You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.
The Candyman and/or Bloody Mary Summoning. The rules are simple: in the dead of night, under a blood red moon, step into your bathroom and turn out the lights. Be careful not to trip over your accursed bath mat. Stareth into the mirror and thrice speaketh the name of the MUR-LORD – Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Bill Murray. The walls bleed, a children’s choir chants spooky stuff and HE rises from the tiled floor. He will re-enact his cameo from Little Shop of Horrors and if you’re lucky, field some Q+A. Do not ask him about his role in the Garfield movie, that was a huge misunderstanding.