A neanderthal is crouched low in the underbrush. His keen, primitive man vision is fixated on the watering hole, which I think is just a weird way of saying small lake but kinda sounds like a bidet for beasts. Anyway, the neanderthal is watching the European ass faucet when suddenly every hair on his body stands on end, from the hair on the bottom of his feet to the hair jutting curiously out of his forehead – a bison approaches. Suddenly, primitive man charges the great creature with spear in hand. His tribe will sing songs about the kill, then they’ll eat it, scribble a few cave paintings and go to bed.
Fast forward 200,000 years. A dad is crouched low in the paper towel aisle at Costco. His dull, modern man vision is fixated on a palette of $49 Blu Ray players. He checks his phone, pulls up the Black Friday app – bingo. Suddenly, modern dad charges the great palette, cargo sweatpants billowing in the breeze. He scales the tower, punching wildly, howling and swinging a garden trowel at the other Black Friday shoppers. Blood sprays across the white Costco floor as another shopper is knocked unconscious, his head bouncing off a display of car batteries with a sickening thud. Now atop mount Blu Ray, modern dad holds a player over his head, fluorescent lighting accentuates his #1 DAD sweatshirt as he squeals to the heavens. On Christmas day his family will watch Despicable Me in HD, and during the hour and a half runtime, he will be king.
Black Friday has come and gone, officially kicking off the 2014 holiday shopping season. And every year it’s the same thing – families eating their leftovers, shaking their heads in disgust at the footage of people trampling each other on Black Friday. “Just look at these deal hungry maniacs besmirching the good-natured pilgrims that made this country what it is today. What if the pilgrims left halfway through their meal with the natives to buy discounted hat buckle polish from the general store? That’s not what the holidays are all about!”
O Come All Ye Deadful
But for some, it’s all part of the holiday experience. Maybe there’s nothing like watching the life drain from someone’s eyes as you rip a 32″ Westinghouse TV from their mitts, breathing in their dying breath as your realize, wait a second, this thing only has one HDMI input, then tossing it aside for the full screen version of Silver Linings Playbook on DVD for $3. Who are we to judge?
The holier than thou bitching about holiday commercialism is becoming more annoying than the holiday commercialism itself. People turn into Linus in that scene from the Charlie Brown Christmas special where he’s rattling on and on about the bible and the true meaning of Christmas, and all they’re really saying is “How dare people buy things like that! They should be buying things like this – online, from the safety of their own homes! All liquored up and nude.” I think if Jesus was here right now, he’d say something about casting stones… and sinning… or like skipping stones across a watering hole of sin… I dunno. Something like that. Then he’d give all of us a piece of cake. Happy birthday Jesus, ya ol’ so and so, and to a lesser extent, Merry Christmas.
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