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An excerpt from Telekinesis for Beginners

Nov 5th, 2014
by John.
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I’ve been working on a secret project for a while now, and I’m finally ready to share it with the world. Below is an excerpt from my new book, I hope you love it.

Telekinesis for Beginners: An Introductory Guide to the Ancient Art of Picking Stuff Up with your Brain.

Introduction

How many times has this happened to you? A prowler is snooping about in your begonias. You can see him out there because it’s broad daylight and he’s wearing a comically conspicuous black and white striped prowler outfit. You’re excited because now would be the perfect time to test out that new pistol you got for Christmas a few years ago. That was the best work-mandated Secret Santa party ever because you got a brand new glock and all you brought was a $20 gift certificate to the video store that burned down 10 years ago. But UGH it’s all the way over there in the closet in a safe and the bullets are hidden in the hollowed out bible you keep on your hope chest and that prowler is looking real mad and real ethnic. This looks like a job for telekinesis. With just the power of your brain waves you can unlock the safe, flip open the bible, load the gun and end the prowler’s life before he can say “Trick-or-Treat for Unicef.”

This book will teach you the basics of telekinesis through brain exercises, timed exams, poems and prayer. But hold on there, Carrie. This isn’t prom night, John Travolta didn’t dump a bucket of pig’s blood on you just yet, you have to learn the basics first. It’s like that old famous telekinesisman saying, “You have to learn how to throw a grape in the air and catch it in your mouth before you can level a city block with your thoughts.” Oh also, that reminds me, you should only use your new-found powers for good, so please only level city blocks riddled with crime. Let’s get started!

Chapter 1 – Just Picking Stuff Up With Your Hands

Fig. 1 - Fingerkinesis training exercise: Lift a small box while wearing small shorts.

Fig. 1 – Fingerkinesis training exercise: Lift a small box while wearing small shorts.

What if I told you that by physically picking up this book you’re already on your way to becoming a master brain mover? You’re performing fingerkinesis, the ancient art of picking stuff up with your hands. That’s probably a thing, right? I mean, it’s right here in this book you’re reading. Practice fingerkinesis every day for at least 6 hours. Pick things up around your house, or at a friend’s house, and put them back down, or put your friends down. You’re doing it. You’re really doing it.

QUIZ ZONE:

Question 1 – Fingerkinesis is the ancient art of picking stuff up with your –

a) brain

b) hands

c) complicated pulley system

If you answered b, you’re correct, and you’re ready to unlock your full telekinetic potential. Imagine the thrill of walking through the grocery store, tossing cans into your cart without exerting yourself, or standing at the bus stop, tossing cans at a bus without exerting yourself.

(And then I just kind of trail off on the whole tossing cans with your brain thing for like 30 more pages, not really sure what happened there. I hope you’ll check out Telekinesis for Beginners wherever fine books are sold, like on your computer or at a dead nerd’s estate sale.)

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

What Are You Supposed To Be? A Topical Halloween Costume Guide

Oct 22nd, 2014
by John.
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You look around the room, frozen with fear. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of being upstaged. You take a swig of your beer, choke it down, and retreat into the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and ask, “Is my Halloween costume topical enough?” You are dressed as a bent iPhone 6. Some drunken party goer foolishly thought you were a calculator. Really Susan? A calculator? What’s topical about that? I’m the thing that was in the news a few weeks ago, you know, that thing that was trending? I don’t think your costume is trending Susan. Nobody gives a shit about lady pirates anymore Susan. Nobody. Susan.

It's 2009 I'ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

It’s 2009 and I’ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

As an adult, it’s important to outfit yourself with the most topical Halloween costume possible. Look, any idiot can dress up as a ghoul, or a goblin, or as a member of the bands Ghoul or Goblin, but you want a costume that says, “Hey remember that thing that just happened? Maybe this hastily put together collection of trash stapled to my body will refresh your memory.” Something that will be relevant for the duration of the party and will slowly become less and less clever as the night goes on until you’re driving home, wondering if maybe your costume which consisted of a white t-shirt with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font was not only in poor taste, but also completely stupid. You will peak around 9:30, when a guy dressed as the dad from 7th Heaven will corner you and say “Ohhhhh shit bro this guy is crazy! Look everyone it’s Ebola! Hahahaha oh shit this guy is Ebola! Oh wow. So dark. So relevant.” The life of the topical Halloween costume wearer is filled with exhilarating highs and devastating lows.

So, obviously you’re looking for a way to ensure your costume is as topical as humanly possible. All you have to do is fire up your favorite news source on the morning of the party and rip your costume straight from the headlines. Feel superior over your friends and coworkers, whose costume ideas are stale, entry level, try-hardy bullshit.

Like, oh cool, you’re a dude in cardboard gladiator armor screaming about Sparta? Well I’m Buzzfeed’s “21 Incredibly Easy Salsa Recipes You Need To Try.” That story was posted right before I got here and I’m going to bob the shit out of some apples, amigo. Or, hey, a Guy Fawkes mask. You must be V for Very Bad at Topical Costumes. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m dressed as Joko Widodo, the new president of Indonesia. HE WAS SWORN IN 8 HOURS AGO. If this costume was any more topical you’d be rubbing it on your genital warts.

Are you a gal looking to spice up your topical costume? Give the boys in accounting at the Halloween happy hour something to talk about? You’re in luck. Sexy modifiers can be added to ANY topical Halloween costume to increase arousal points. For example, you could go as sexy Donald Sterling. You could wear a tube top with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font. That’s relevant AND sexy because Ebola is killing people and you have boobs.

So this Halloween, follow these tips, stay safe and stay topical. As for me? I’m getting into the future-sexy-topical game. I’ll be the guy dressed as Oscar Pistorius being released from prison in 2019, and I’ll have the sexiest leg blades you’ve ever seen.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Bill Murray Urban Legends (2014 Edition)

Oct 8th, 2014
by John.
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The original urban legend that started it all goes something like this – You’re walking around in a major metropolitan city, minding your own business, when all of a sudden someone comes up behind you and covers your eyes. You turn around and standing there in front of you is Bill Murray. To quote GZA in Coffee and Cigarettes, “Bill Groundhog-Day, Ghostbustin’-ass Murray.” Before you can say anything, he whispers, “No one will ever believe you” and he either walks away or vanishes in a puff of smoke, depending on who you believe.

Did this ever happen? I mean, it’s not impossible, right? The guy shows up at minor league baseball games to collect tickets, he tends bar unannounced at South by Southwest, chances are if we do Awesome Talk long enough, he’ll become a member of the gang without us even noticing. The purpose of this article is two-fold – one, I want to create fresh new Bill Murray urban legends for future generations. The second fold of the aforementioned two fold thing I’m working with here is to invite Mr. Murray to turn these urban legends into urban realities. And if we’re being honest here, I want us to become best friends. So, I guess this article is now like my wallet: TRI FOLD, BABY.

Bill Murray Urban Legends (2014 Edition):

A Fresh Take on an Old Classic. You’re walking around in a major metropolitan city, minding your own business, when all of a sudden someone comes up behind you and covers your eyes. You turn around and standing there in front of you is Bill Murray. Before you can say anything, he screams, “AT LAST I AM FREE OF THIS LOATHSOME CURSE.” You are now forced to walk the earth as Bill Murray for the next thousand years, delighting the world with your antics, but sometimes you’re the voice of Garfield in the Garfield movie.

crazyeyeThe Candyman and/or Bloody Mary Summoning. The rules are simple: in the dead of night, under a blood red moon, step into your bathroom and turn out the lights. Be careful not to trip over your accursed bath mat. Stareth into the mirror and thrice speaketh the name of the MUR-LORD – Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Bill Murray. The walls bleed, a children’s choir chants spooky stuff and HE rises from the tiled floor. He will re-enact his cameo from Little Shop of Horrors and if you’re lucky, field some Q+A. Do not ask him about his role in the Garfield movie, that was a huge misunderstanding.

The Funeral Crasher. You’ll never believe where Bill Murray showed up this weekend! TMZ was first to report that the beloved Ghostbuster and man about town was spotted in the back row of a funeral service in Evanston, Illinois. Cracking jokes and cracking cold ones, the uninvited veteran actor held court well into the night, and even gave an impromptu eulogy filled with behind the scenes tales from Tinseltown. When asked for comment, funeral director James Maloney said, “Of course it was a huge surprise. I mean, not only did Bill Murray crash a funeral, he crashed HIS OWN funeral! I don’t even know how he did it… who the hell did we just bury? It’s been a pretty crazy day but I’m happy that he’s still alive. It’s just… y’know… too bad he starred in that Garfield movie that one time.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips

Aug 27th, 2014
by John.
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eHarmony has a list of ten tips for initiating, planning, and surviving a first date. It’s a bad list, full of “no doi” pointers. “Be confident.” “Dress to impress.” “Breathe occasionally.” “Apply pressure to fresh wounds.” I’ve been on a few first dates, and I’ve compiled the following list of better than eHarmony tips. In fact, that’s what it’s called: SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips.

The water conundrum. Pop quiz hotshot – the waiter asked if you want bottled or tap water. If you spring for the bottled water, it shows that money is no object on this, your enchanted first date. If you go with tap water it shows that you’re an eco-conscious everyman with a sense of adventure. Here’s an advanced technique: stare the waiter dead in the eyes and say, “Half tap. Half bottled.” The music stops, silverware crashes, old Victorian-era women are fanning themselves and gasping and passing out all around you. This date is off to a great start, and by the way, you look lovely this evening.

"... look, I'm sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit."

“… look, I’m sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit.”

Ordering for your date. Ordering for your date is an antiquated practice, so you should avoid doing it. It gives the impression that she is maybe too stupid to read, or understand how side dishes work. The only time it’s customary to order for your date is if you’re at a drive up window. “Yes, I’ll have a number 3, and the little lady will have something of equal or lesser value because it’s Tuesday before 6 pm and I have a coupon. Also hurry the fuck up, it’s our first date over here.” She’ll be impressed because you’re a man that can handle finances, and your collection of ketchup packets and ants in the glove compartment really speaks for itself.

Phrases to Avoid. Words are hard sometimes. Review the following list of phrases to avoid.

  • Your job sounds boring as shit, I bet I could do it like a million times better though.

  • What’s your favorite Aryan subreddit?

  • Would it be ok if I got a booster seat for my taxidermied owl?

  • I keep my pistol in a hollowed out bible, and my bullets in the hollowed out skulls of my online haters.

The Leftovers. Avoid asking to take your date’s leftovers home with you. Muttering, “because I fucking paid for this bullshit” under your breath is not going to help your case. However, if you insist on taking the leftovers home, ask your waiter to box it up for you, avoid pulling a ziplock bag out of your pants pocket. God forbid you accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings. This should really have its own section, but if you do accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings, just say you’re holding it for a friend.

Ending on a high note. Congratulations, the date is now over. Much like the survivors of a horrible plane crash, it is customary to hug your date once complete. Really get in there, see what you’re working with. Three gentle kisses on the forehead followed by a handwritten letter thanking her for her time, and you’re now free to go home to your darkened hovel and text her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s ok. If you followed all of my advice, you’re probably well on your way to marriage. Please do not invite me, my dress shoes are very tight and make it difficult for me to dance. Thank you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Take Exit 143 towards Flavor Town

Jul 30th, 2014
by John.
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The New Jersey Turnpike Authority is HOPPING MAD about service mark infringements! A pizza chain in Florida co-opted the Garden State Parkway logo, slapped their name on it, and are getting sued to Hell and back for their crimes. Is nothing sacred, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza? Before the days of GPS, there was nothing more reassuring than a green Parkway or Turnpike sign. Even if was just a sign that said PARKWAY, 20 miles in the other direction, at least you knew you were on the right track. And here comes Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, waltzing in here, stealing our signs, making a mockery of our roadways.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Who cares? It’s just a sign.” You’re probably sitting there, arms crossed, like, “I love pizza, I love signs, I hate freedom, what’s the scoop here John?” Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that this is not actually about infringement, it’s about highway safety.

WHAT EXIT ARE YOU, PIZZA?

WHAT EXIT ARE YOU, PIZZA?

Let’s set the scene. You’re lost. You were just trying to get some sweet corn from a roadside stand in central Jersey, but you accidentally drove 1500 miles south across 5 states. Once you reach the Florida Keys, the realization that you have absolutely no idea where the fuck you are begins to set in. “WE’RE NOT LOST” you scream at your children in the backseat, who have not looked up from their devices since this trip started 24 hours ago. Just as you’re about to drive your family into the Atlantic, submerging them and their memories of your subpar navigation skills, you see the sign. The old familiar green and yellow Garden State Parkway sign. “You see? YOU SEE!? I TOLD YOU WE’RE NOT LOST!” you scream at your blissfully unaware and above-water children. You follow the arrows… but instead of a toll booth, you crash your minivan straight into the dining room of Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, the Florida pizza establishment. “Hey is this a highway or a restaurant?” you ask the owner, who is now pinned to the wall underneath an 8×10 photo of The Sopranos signed by the guy that played AJ. He’s coughing up blood all over your fender, you’re just trying to figure out if they take EZ Pass or not.

This is the scenario that the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is trying to avoid. And who can blame them? Do you think GPS satellites can penetrate the thick fog of malaise and Disney mind control chemicals that blanket Florida? Hell no, directions down there are delivered the old fashioned way, straight from chewing tobaccee-filled mouths and punctuated with racial slurs. You need all the help you can get navigating through Florida, and these signs are confusing, dangerous, and they must be stopped.

So just change your name, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, it’s real simple. Something subtle that would still look good on a sign. Something like Dangerous Roadwork Ahead Pizza. Drive Like Your Kids Live Here Italian Eatery. Vincenzo’s Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft Pasta Dump. Just whatever you do, please leave the parkway out of it.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

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