What Are You Supposed To Be? A Topical Halloween Costume Guide

Oct 22nd, 2014
by John.
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You look around the room, frozen with fear. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of being upstaged. You take a swig of your beer, choke it down, and retreat into the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and ask, “Is my Halloween costume topical enough?” You are dressed as a bent iPhone 6. Some drunken party goer foolishly thought you were a calculator. Really Susan? A calculator? What’s topical about that? I’m the thing that was in the news a few weeks ago, you know, that thing that was trending? I don’t think your costume is trending Susan. Nobody gives a shit about lady pirates anymore Susan. Nobody. Susan.

It's 2009 I'ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

It’s 2009 and I’ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

As an adult, it’s important to outfit yourself with the most topical Halloween costume possible. Look, any idiot can dress up as a ghoul, or a goblin, or as a member of the bands Ghoul or Goblin, but you want a costume that says, “Hey remember that thing that just happened? Maybe this hastily put together collection of trash stapled to my body will refresh your memory.” Something that will be relevant for the duration of the party and will slowly become less and less clever as the night goes on until you’re driving home, wondering if maybe your costume which consisted of a white t-shirt with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font was not only in poor taste, but also completely stupid. You will peak around 9:30, when a guy dressed as the dad from 7th Heaven will corner you and say “Ohhhhh shit bro this guy is crazy! Look everyone it’s Ebola! Hahahaha oh shit this guy is Ebola! Oh wow. So dark. So relevant.” The life of the topical Halloween costume wearer is filled with exhilarating highs and devastating lows.

So, obviously you’re looking for a way to ensure your costume is as topical as humanly possible. All you have to do is fire up your favorite news source on the morning of the party and rip your costume straight from the headlines. Feel superior over your friends and coworkers, whose costume ideas are stale, entry level, try-hardy bullshit.

Like, oh cool, you’re a dude in cardboard gladiator armor screaming about Sparta? Well I’m Buzzfeed’s “21 Incredibly Easy Salsa Recipes You Need To Try.” That story was posted right before I got here and I’m going to bob the shit out of some apples, amigo. Or, hey, a Guy Fawkes mask. You must be V for Very Bad at Topical Costumes. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m dressed as Joko Widodo, the new president of Indonesia. HE WAS SWORN IN 8 HOURS AGO. If this costume was any more topical you’d be rubbing it on your genital warts.

Are you a gal looking to spice up your topical costume? Give the boys in accounting at the Halloween happy hour something to talk about? You’re in luck. Sexy modifiers can be added to ANY topical Halloween costume to increase arousal points. For example, you could go as sexy Donald Sterling. You could wear a tube top with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font. That’s relevant AND sexy because Ebola is killing people and you have boobs.

So this Halloween, follow these tips, stay safe and stay topical. As for me? I’m getting into the future-sexy-topical game. I’ll be the guy dressed as Oscar Pistorius being released from prison in 2019, and I’ll have the sexiest leg blades you’ve ever seen.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Posted in: america, awesometalk, halloween.
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Bill Murray Urban Legends (2014 Edition)

Oct 8th, 2014
by John.
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The original urban legend that started it all goes something like this – You’re walking around in a major metropolitan city, minding your own business, when all of a sudden someone comes up behind you and covers your eyes. You turn around and standing there in front of you is Bill Murray. To quote GZA in Coffee and Cigarettes, “Bill Groundhog-Day, Ghostbustin’-ass Murray.” Before you can say anything, he whispers, “No one will ever believe you” and he either walks away or vanishes in a puff of smoke, depending on who you believe.

Did this ever happen? I mean, it’s not impossible, right? The guy shows up at minor league baseball games to collect tickets, he tends bar unannounced at South by Southwest, chances are if we do Awesome Talk long enough, he’ll become a member of the gang without us even noticing. The purpose of this article is two-fold – one, I want to create fresh new Bill Murray urban legends for future generations. The second fold of the aforementioned two fold thing I’m working with here is to invite Mr. Murray to turn these urban legends into urban realities. And if we’re being honest here, I want us to become best friends. So, I guess this article is now like my wallet: TRI FOLD, BABY.

Bill Murray Urban Legends (2014 Edition):

A Fresh Take on an Old Classic. You’re walking around in a major metropolitan city, minding your own business, when all of a sudden someone comes up behind you and covers your eyes. You turn around and standing there in front of you is Bill Murray. Before you can say anything, he screams, “AT LAST I AM FREE OF THIS LOATHSOME CURSE.” You are now forced to walk the earth as Bill Murray for the next thousand years, delighting the world with your antics, but sometimes you’re the voice of Garfield in the Garfield movie.

crazyeyeThe Candyman and/or Bloody Mary Summoning. The rules are simple: in the dead of night, under a blood red moon, step into your bathroom and turn out the lights. Be careful not to trip over your accursed bath mat. Stareth into the mirror and thrice speaketh the name of the MUR-LORD – Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Bill Murray. The walls bleed, a children’s choir chants spooky stuff and HE rises from the tiled floor. He will re-enact his cameo from Little Shop of Horrors and if you’re lucky, field some Q+A. Do not ask him about his role in the Garfield movie, that was a huge misunderstanding.

The Funeral Crasher. You’ll never believe where Bill Murray showed up this weekend! TMZ was first to report that the beloved Ghostbuster and man about town was spotted in the back row of a funeral service in Evanston, Illinois. Cracking jokes and cracking cold ones, the uninvited veteran actor held court well into the night, and even gave an impromptu eulogy filled with behind the scenes tales from Tinseltown. When asked for comment, funeral director James Maloney said, “Of course it was a huge surprise. I mean, not only did Bill Murray crash a funeral, he crashed HIS OWN funeral! I don’t even know how he did it… who the hell did we just bury? It’s been a pretty crazy day but I’m happy that he’s still alive. It’s just… y’know… too bad he starred in that Garfield movie that one time.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Posted in: awesometalk, movies.
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Oh ho ho just a few commercials to watch, enjoy & share! ;)

Sep 24th, 2014
by John.
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If I’ve learned one thing from the show Mad Men, it’s that I have about three season’s worth of tolerance for the show Mad Men. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that I’ve learned two things from the Mad Men. The second thing I learned is that I have what it takes to be a self destructive bourbon sipping Madison Avenue ad man. Remember when we were growing up, the garbage they used to sell us in between episodes of Duck Tales? It was all the same – pre-packaged after school snacks, featuring helmeted kids on skateboards grinding on rails made of frosting, flipkicking over senior citizens who are screaming that we need to “turn down those darned snacks, somebody could get hurt!” Hey fuck you grandma, these toaster pastries are packed with vitamin eat shit and die. A couple guitar licks, now the grannies are rapping for some reason, and there you have it. Every commercial from our childhood.

There was also an obsession with food being “fun to eat.” This chicken nugget is fun because it’s shaped like a dinosaur. It is fun to eat. I am having fun with my friends after soccer practice because our food does not require utensils or refrigeration. This is fun.

You're gonna like the way you look.

You’re gonna like the way you look.

We’re more sophisticated now, and we deserve better ads. This is where I come in… with my unsolicited ad submissions.

Simplicity is key. Who can forget the “Do you have milk” campaign? “Well, do you?” Neve Campbell’s frothy mustache asked. Then we, collectively as a country replied, “Yes, we have milk,” and awaited further instructions. Here’s where my ad campaign would have taken the milk game to the next level if the brass over at Big Dairy returned my phone calls. I’d go fully Lynchian – It’s a peaceful summer day in a quiet midwestern suburb. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, a newspaper lands perfectly on a front stoop. A man in a robe bends down to pick up the paper, and suddenly the camera is traveling through his spinal cord. At the end, instead of a brain, there is a tall, frosty, screaming glass of milk. Then the scene slowly dissolves to the man drowning in a lake, with pulsating udders superimposed over his thrashing body. The screen goes black, the word MILK? flashes on screen for half a millisecond, then you’re back to watching Modern Family.

Curiously, my next submission was also shot down. I wanted to create a recruiting ad for marine biologists. What if there was a shortage one day, how are we going to get people excited about aquatic discovery again? My idea was a 30 second underwater shot with a gravelly voice at the end saying, “We look at more fucking seahorses before 7 a.m. than most of you assholes do all day.”  Apparently that’s not the type of message the aquatic science community wishes to share with the world, nor is there a need to recruit scientists through tv commercials. Two things I should have thought about before renting $800,000 worth of underwater cameras that were used to film Titanic.

Rejected, again and again. What would the Mad Men do? Oh, probably drink heavily, live a tortured existence, destroy the lives of everyone unfortunate enough to know them in real life, and look great in a suit. I’ve never been more qualified for anything in my life.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Posted in: awesometalk, tv.
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Are you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?

Sep 10th, 2014
by John.
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The security guard at my job insists that I a) drink Coronas every day after work and b) have a vast knowledge of DVD pirating software. Let’s start with the first one. I think maybe he saw me at a Christmas party two years ago drinking a Corona and just assumed that was my thing. There’s that guy that stands in the corner, flinching when coworkers approach him, just suckin down Coronas till the Mexican word for cows come home. I should probably ask him about it every time I see him. It never fails:

“Hey how’s it going man, you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?” I think the first time he asked me I started doing finger guns like, psh, hell yeah I’m gonna drink a Corona tonight, what do I look like over here? The second time I said something douchey like, “Haha, at the least!” Like, not only am I going to go home and drink a Corona, I might smoke some drugs. I might kill a man. I’m a ticking fucking time bomb ese, you have no idea. The third time the strange man with a gun asked me if I was going to go home and drink a Corona, I began to question our relationship. What are you, counting my drinks? I don’t have to answer to YOU. With your badge and your suit. Do you know how many LIMES I would go through if I had a Corona every day? Plus, haven’t you heard of the Mexican lime cartels? DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE LIMES ARE RIGHT NOW? I’m not a Templario, ok guy?

Now I’m caught in an infinite conversation loop with a person who doesn’t understand how conversations work, as he attempts to talk to someone that doesn’t want to have a conversation. I don’t have the heart to say, “Dude, this has to stop. I drink all sorts of things ok? I like coffee. I drink water. I drank an indecipherable liquid from a Portuguese soccer trophy once and slipped into a cute little coma for a few hours.” I don’t say these things. Instead I do the ol’, “Heh heh yeah man ok see you later” and then power walk out the door.

lewisThe weird thing is, I’m not quite sure what this security guard is guarding. He’s only in the building from 3:30 to 5:00, and there’s nothing there worth stealing. I’m forced to assume that this guy is some kind of Corona spokesperson.

One day he threw me a curveball. I braced myself for the strange line of beer questioning but instead was asked if I could get him a copy of some ancient DVD ripping software. “You know what this is right?” he asked. “I want to make a copy of a DVD so I can watch it on my TV whenever I want.” He was very insistent that I got him some version from the mid 2000’s. I reluctantly nodded and said that I would see what I could do. 7,000 malware and phishing warnings later, I learned that his request was impossible. This thing was banished from the internet, and I would need to download it from some deep web forum that probably sold children’s organs and cocaine by mail.

So I did what any normal person would do – I avoided him for about a month. Eventually he stopped me in the hall, and god help me, I really felt like I let him down. “Sorry man, I don’t think I can get it for you.” His head sunk, his shoulders slumped, all this guy wanted to do was pirate movies, and I failed him. “It’s ok,” he said, “You probably drank too many Coronas, that’s why you couldn’t find it.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Posted in: awesometalk, food and drink.
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SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips

Aug 27th, 2014
by John.
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eHarmony has a list of ten tips for initiating, planning, and surviving a first date. It’s a bad list, full of “no doi” pointers. “Be confident.” “Dress to impress.” “Breathe occasionally.” “Apply pressure to fresh wounds.” I’ve been on a few first dates, and I’ve compiled the following list of better than eHarmony tips. In fact, that’s what it’s called: SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips.

The water conundrum. Pop quiz hotshot – the waiter asked if you want bottled or tap water. If you spring for the bottled water, it shows that money is no object on this, your enchanted first date. If you go with tap water it shows that you’re an eco-conscious everyman with a sense of adventure. Here’s an advanced technique: stare the waiter dead in the eyes and say, “Half tap. Half bottled.” The music stops, silverware crashes, old Victorian-era women are fanning themselves and gasping and passing out all around you. This date is off to a great start, and by the way, you look lovely this evening.

"... look, I'm sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit."

“… look, I’m sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit.”

Ordering for your date. Ordering for your date is an antiquated practice, so you should avoid doing it. It gives the impression that she is maybe too stupid to read, or understand how side dishes work. The only time it’s customary to order for your date is if you’re at a drive up window. “Yes, I’ll have a number 3, and the little lady will have something of equal or lesser value because it’s Tuesday before 6 pm and I have a coupon. Also hurry the fuck up, it’s our first date over here.” She’ll be impressed because you’re a man that can handle finances, and your collection of ketchup packets and ants in the glove compartment really speaks for itself.

Phrases to Avoid. Words are hard sometimes. Review the following list of phrases to avoid.

  • Your job sounds boring as shit, I bet I could do it like a million times better though.

  • What’s your favorite Aryan subreddit?

  • Would it be ok if I got a booster seat for my taxidermied owl?

  • I keep my pistol in a hollowed out bible, and my bullets in the hollowed out skulls of my online haters.

The Leftovers. Avoid asking to take your date’s leftovers home with you. Muttering, “because I fucking paid for this bullshit” under your breath is not going to help your case. However, if you insist on taking the leftovers home, ask your waiter to box it up for you, avoid pulling a ziplock bag out of your pants pocket. God forbid you accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings. This should really have its own section, but if you do accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings, just say you’re holding it for a friend.

Ending on a high note. Congratulations, the date is now over. Much like the survivors of a horrible plane crash, it is customary to hug your date once complete. Really get in there, see what you’re working with. Three gentle kisses on the forehead followed by a handwritten letter thanking her for her time, and you’re now free to go home to your darkened hovel and text her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s ok. If you followed all of my advice, you’re probably well on your way to marriage. Please do not invite me, my dress shoes are very tight and make it difficult for me to dance. Thank you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Posted in: awesometalk, life yo.
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