awesometalk

AWESOMETALK – The Wild’s Call Book Review

I did something a little different for AwesomeTalk this week – book reviewin’. Here’s Amazon’s synopsis of The Wild’s Call:

It is seven years after the collapse of modern civilization, and the world is entering a new Dark Age. Can best friends Elysia and Darien trust the animal spirits that are beckoning them to escape into the wilderness and create a new way of life? And will they give in to the mutual passion they’ve always denied?

So many questions. This mutual passion, is this between best friends Elysia and Darien, or Elysia and the wolf on the cover, or Darien and the forest full of untrustworthy spirit animals? Now, I didn’t take the time to actually read The Wild’s Call as part of my book review, but I decided to write an excerpt myself and base my review on that.

Notebooks are spiral bound on all four sides in this dystopian nightmare world.

Notebooks are spiral bound on all four sides in this dystopian nightmare world.

Chapter 4: Deadly Beginnings

Elysia stood at the edge of town and holstered her sword or gun or whatever and said, “Looks like the world is ending. Damn.” She lit a cigarette and thought, the ash on this cigarette is a metaphor for earth. Soon the ash will be not on the cigarette anymore, just like the people. OK wait, maybe the ash is more like-

But before she could finish her thought, she was interrupted by her best friend Darien who was riding his hover bike or horse or hover horse or whatever. “We should get out of here Elysia. It’s not safe. The world – it’s entering a new dark age.” She knew he was right. It all started 7 years ago when an evil corporation was elected president. The rest is history.

“You’re right,” said Elysia. She took a bite of a nourishment cube and consulted her holo-map. “But where should we go?” Darien smiled like a dumb fucking stupid idiot and said, “Remember the spirit animals? The ones in the wilderness? We should go to them for reasons that are too complicated for anyone to understand.”

Elysia had a look on her face that said but I don’t understand Darien and said, “But I don’t understand, Darien. I thought the spirit animals were outlawed by the president. You know, the president that’s an evil corporation?” Seven years, she thought to herself. Seven damn years.

Darien punched the air like an anime character and yelled ‘THEY’RE IN A SECRET PLACE NOW YEAH!!” Suddenly a spirit animal materialized in front of them. It was a stately wolf, sexy, dangerous, and very, very anatomically correct. “Follow me Darien” the wolf whispered in his secret wolf language. It sounded like a garbage disposal full of screaming gravel, but at the same time sexy, dangerous, and very, very anatomically correct.

Elysia looked at her best friend Darien. Poor, foolish, stupid, slovenly, ugly idiot Darien. He’ll never know the truth. He’ll never know that his best friend Elysia was actually an evil corporation, and he was leading her right to the secret place where the spirit animals do whatever it is they do. “Let’s go,” said Elysia. “And plunge the world into a new dark age,” she whispered under her breath. “Forever.” She said at a normal volume. “And ever.” she whispered.

I give The Wild’s Call 5 out of 5 stars. It’s really good. I liked the part with the wolf and the unfinished cigarette metaphor.

AWESOMETALK – Episode 12 featuring Teddy Faley, Rodney Rush, and me.

Best episode of AwesomeTalk EVER. Hip hop artist Teddy Faley, Rodney Rush, who played Combo on Breaking Bad, and then me wearing plaid, making up new seasons and living life. Unreal.

AWESOMETALK – The Final Word on THE FUTURE and OTHER THINGS ALSO

The guys and gal at Awesome Talk had me back for another Final Word last night. I love them all very deeply. My final word, which started out as a “hurr amazon drones” story turned into something else pretty quickly! Without further adieuou, here is my –

Final Word on the Future and Other Things Also

Last week I asked the Awesome Talk crew if they had a travel budget. I had a really great idea for a story, and when I told them what it was, they said, “John, whatever you need, go for it. You’re the best. We support you and love you with all of your hearts, and you should reach for the stars.” So I did. And thanks to their generous funding, I was able to travel 7 years into the future. And just like you guys asked, I saved all of my receipts and brought back a sports almanac for each of you.

So, I’m sure you all have some questions. The first one would probably be, “What are jeans like in the year 2020?” Well, they’re still made of denim, but now they’re also rechargeable. The second question would probably be, “Yo do they got robots you can bang or what’s the deal here?” The answer is yes it’s really, really disgusting and… uh, you know what, that’s it for questions for a while. Let’s keep going.

Remember when we were all freaking out about Amazon drones? Little adorable helicopters that would deliver paper towels to our houses 30 minutes after we ordered them? And just because we associated drones with killing civilians and sometimes maybe American citizens, we were a little grossed out by the idea of Amazon drone strikes? Well, as someone that has seen the future, I’m here to tell you that we were all so, so stupid. They have drones for EVERYTHING in the year 2020, and it’s the best. Here’s a completely real thing that happens in the future – you wake up hungry in the middle of the night. A drone blasts into your sleep pod and shoves a food pill down your throat. Where did it come from? How did it know I was hungry? What was in that pill? I don’t know, I don’t care, I have future shit to attend to.

If there’s one negative thing associated with the drones, if you can even call it a negative, is that there’s a constant, low frequency humming that fills the blood red skies, and sometimes there’s static rain. Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, those are so 7 years ago. Now there is one season and it’s called STATICA. Some side effects of Statica: people with weak stomachs vomit uncontrollably 24 hours a day. Birds with weak bodies explode like fireworks on the fourth of Statica Month 7. Breathable air, potable water, skin that stays on your body, all of these are optional during Statica. But the drones soar like majestic eagles, with the rocket’s red glare and the bombs bursting in- oh right there are bombs going off pretty much all the time during Statica.

So that’s it. The future is perfect, and you guys have nothing to worry about. Just to recap: Drones are nice, uncontrollable vomiting, Gray’s. Sports. Almanac. Oh, and we had the first unanimously elected president, and it was a box of kittens. And Star Wars 8 was bullshit.

AWESOMETALK – Episode 11 featuring Damien of Demiurge, Moses J. Moseley of The Walking Dead, and me.

It’s up! Episode 11 of Awesome Talk is ready to be viewed! Featuring Damien of Demiurge, Moses J. Moseley of the Walking Dead and me at the end reading this goofy Thanksgiving thing. Please watch, subscribe, notice my gigantic weather forecast looking map behind me. And tune in December 10th for more awesome guests and me doing my thing again. Enjoy.