Take Exit 143 towards Flavor Town

Jul 30th, 2014
by John.
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The New Jersey Turnpike Authority is HOPPING MAD about service mark infringements! A pizza chain in Florida co-opted the Garden State Parkway logo, slapped their name on it, and are getting sued to Hell and back for their crimes. Is nothing sacred, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza? Before the days of GPS, there was nothing more reassuring than a green Parkway or Turnpike sign. Even if was just a sign that said PARKWAY, 20 miles in the other direction, at least you knew you were on the right track. And here comes Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, waltzing in here, stealing our signs, making a mockery of our roadways.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Who cares? It’s just a sign.” You’re probably sitting there, arms crossed, like, “I love pizza, I love signs, I hate freedom, what’s the scoop here John?” Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that this is not actually about infringement, it’s about highway safety.

WHAT EXIT ARE YOU, PIZZA?

WHAT EXIT ARE YOU, PIZZA?

Let’s set the scene. You’re lost. You were just trying to get some sweet corn from a roadside stand in central Jersey, but you accidentally drove 1500 miles south across 5 states. Once you reach the Florida Keys, the realization that you have absolutely no idea where the fuck you are begins to set in. “WE’RE NOT LOST” you scream at your children in the backseat, who have not looked up from their devices since this trip started 24 hours ago. Just as you’re about to drive your family into the Atlantic, submerging them and their memories of your subpar navigation skills, you see the sign. The old familiar green and yellow Garden State Parkway sign. “You see? YOU SEE!? I TOLD YOU WE’RE NOT LOST!” you scream at your blissfully unaware and above-water children. You follow the arrows… but instead of a toll booth, you crash your minivan straight into the dining room of Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, the Florida pizza establishment. “Hey is this a highway or a restaurant?” you ask the owner, who is now pinned to the wall underneath an 8×10 photo of The Sopranos signed by the guy that played AJ. He’s coughing up blood all over your fender, you’re just trying to figure out if they take EZ Pass or not.

This is the scenario that the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is trying to avoid. And who can blame them? Do you think GPS satellites can penetrate the thick fog of malaise and Disney mind control chemicals that blanket Florida? Hell no, directions down there are delivered the old fashioned way, straight from chewing tobaccee-filled mouths and punctuated with racial slurs. You need all the help you can get navigating through Florida, and these signs are confusing, dangerous, and they must be stopped.

So just change your name, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, it’s real simple. Something subtle that would still look good on a sign. Something like Dangerous Roadwork Ahead Pizza. Drive Like Your Kids Live Here Italian Eatery. Vincenzo’s Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft Pasta Dump. Just whatever you do, please leave the parkway out of it.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Posted in: awesometalk, food and drink.
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Do we hold these truths to be self-evident? The answer may surprise you.

Jul 2nd, 2014
by John.
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So get a load of this: I spent the last two weeks researching this topic, and you know those headlines where it’s like, “Do you know the answer to this seemingly mundane question? The answer may surprise you?” Well that was me. The answer surprised me. The question was this: How do other countries celebrate the Fourth of July. And much like a bowling ball being dropped off an overpass onto my windshield, or the ending of the movie Seven, the answer surprised me. Other countries do not celebrate the Fourth of July.

I go batshit ballistic for seasonal decor sales.

I go batshit ballistic for seasonal decor sales.

What the fuck is that all about? I thought the world was getting smaller. I thought we were all learning to respect each other’s beliefs and ways of life. I mean, we showed up for the World Cup. We got matching uniforms, we spelled our last names correctly on the back – we’re at least trying to take part in things that we don’t really understand. The least you could do is take a break from your free healthcare and superior rail systems and walk a mile in our shoes – which are awesome by the way. Our shoes can sync up with our phones and tell us how many steps we’ve taken, and can vibrate every few minutes to wake us up if we slip into a coma. WE thought of that, OK?  But shout out to China for stitching the shoes together, we couldn’t have done it without you. There, see how easy that was? Respecting other countries. Try it sometime, rest of the world! It’s the Fourth of July, man! Shoot off an M80 in your five-thousand-year-old palazzo. Make just enough money to drive to work and back every day. Y’know, do something American!

And who wouldn’t want to emulate our 4th of July rituals? Drunk as hell, cooking meat outside, shooting off illegal fireworks, frantically filling red solo cups with bald eagle tears to extinguish our white picket fences as patriotic embers rain down on us. The rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, etcetera. We’re all wearing pristine white undershirts with packs of cigarettes rolled up in our sleeves, we’re playing stick ball in a sepia-toned dead-end street in Brooklyn during The Great Depression, we’re having a cardiac arrest in the Mall of America parking lot, WHY AREN’T OTHER COUNTRIES CELEBRATING HOW AWESOME WE ARE?

John Adams knew what was up. When congress approved the declaration of independence, he wrote to his wife Abigail and said that this will be the most memorable time in the history of America. That it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as a great anniversary festival with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, companies denying birth to control to women, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.

Granted, he was referring to the second of July, the date the resolution of independence was approved, but whatever, dates barely existed in the 1700’s. There was like one guy with a rudimentary understanding of time, and you had to send him a carrier pigeon asking him what day it was. That’s America to me. Writing “what the hell day is it” on a scroll and stapling it to a pigeon and just hopin’ for the best. Will that sweet pidge ever return? The answer may surprise you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Posted in: america, awesometalk.
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Autoblow 2 – Frequently Asked Questions

Jun 18th, 2014
by John.
1 comment

A lot of people ask me, “Hey John, what do you do for a living again?” And I say, I’m a technical writer. I write software documentation, error messages… and at this point I see their eyes fluttering and rolling back into their heads. I administer the smelling salts and they regain consciousness. “Oh yeah yeah, hey wow that sounds really fascinating,” they yawn as they check their imaginary beeper and mumble something about “having to take this.”

ab2Granted, writing sentences like, “Step 5: Click the Install button to install” is not very fulfilling. So that’s why I offer my tech writing expertise to products I feel strongly about, completely unsolicited and without warning. Such as the recently crowdfunded robotic blow job device, the Autoblow 2. Oh you know, it’s just the revolutionary stroker that’s powered by a standard wall plug, works with 3 interchangeable sleeves, and features a motor that’s rated to last over 500 hours! It’s only the hottest jerk bot around, having raised over $280,000 on indiegogo from sticky-fingered philanthropists.

Clearly the makers of the Autoblow 2 are proud of their product. “THE BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT” screams their website. Lots of videos and testimonials, nice font choices, etc. But their frequently asked questions page? It’s a goddamn disgrace. Ooh how long will it take to ship to my unmarked storm drain? Durr how often do I need to change the  ejaculate filter on this thing? Pitiful. Here are some frequently asked questions worthy of this miracle device:

Q: I’m thoroughly enjoying my Autoblow 2. But I have to ask, what happened to the Autoblow 1?

A: Customers found the Autoblow 1, codename BONE DRONE, to be too lifelike. Much like the uncanny valley, we created virtual blowjob technology that was too perfect for this world. So perfect that the human mind couldn’t comprehend the sensations delivered by BONE DRONE. Therefore, it had to be destroyed for the good of mankind.

Q: I don’t know how to say this, but… I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with my Autoblow 2. Is this normal? It’s normal right? There’s nothing wrong with me. This thing feels good, and I’ve earned this. I work hard every day, and I’m a well-adjusted, capital N Normal fella. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m leaving my wife.

A: We’re so happy that you’re enjoying your Autoblow 2 experience! Never contact us again.

Q: I’m sure you get this a lot, but can this thing jerk me to death? Or near death? Basically I want to look God straight in the eye as I climax, is there a setting for that?

A: Although “Death Jerk” is not a supported feature of the Autoblow 2, the device can be jailbroken to accommodate custom settings. Please note that installing custom firmware on your device voids the manufacturer’s warranty, and we cannot be held responsible for any ejaculation-based death, near death, or afterlife experiences.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Posted in: awesometalk, internet.
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Soylent, from the makers of Hell Gravy, the poisonous gravy from Hell

Jun 4th, 2014
by John.
5 comments

Soylent is the hot new food substitute that’s intended to supply all the nutrients the human body needs without the time, money, or effort associated with real food. For about $4 a serving, this “just add water” replacement could revolutionize the way we think about food, and it’s being targeted at people who are too busy to eat. It also looks like the cloudy water that accumulates in the last bowl in the sink when you’re doing the dishes.

WARNING: NOT DELICIOUS EGG NOG. NO YULETIDE CHEER TO BE FOUND HERE

WARNING: NOT DELICIOUS EGG NOG. NO YULETIDE CHEER TO BE FOUND HERE

But how does it taste? Reviews are all over the place, from “This is real bad” to “Why are you doing this to me?” But forget all that. I don’t know about you, but I am sick of thinking about what to eat every day. I’m a very powerful, fancy man, and sitting down to eat with my family is so BORING JESUS CHRIST WHO CARES. With Soylent, I just need enough brain power to mix water with powder. Hey honey, what’s for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of our lives? Oh that’s right, flesh colored sludge. “Oh man remember how we used to eat food?” we’d laugh as our teeth fall out of our mouths from under usage. Perfect, now we don’t have to waste time brushing our teeth, that’s another 4 minutes of “me time” that big dental can’t have.

Let’s just get this out of the way because I know you’re all thinking it. “Soylent Green is made out of people.” Probably the most famous Charlton Heston quote that doesn’t involve damn dirty apes or the business end of an assault rifle in your face. I can assure you that this new food alternative, and let’s just call it Soylent Beige for argument’s sake, is NOT made out of people. Disregard the distinct, flesh-like hue of the drink and focus more on the ingredients. Maltodextrin, Rice Protein, Oat Flour, and 100% of your recommended daily allowance of TOTALLY NOT GROUND UP HUMAN BODIES. They even underlined it.

That being said, maybe it’s best to name your food substitute, say… literally anything else. It’s like naming a new space-age baby formula Bleach and then being like, well duh, of course not THAT bleach, this is New Bleach. For babies to drink. Yeah, our logo is a skull and crossbones, it’s awesome.

I have some experience with liquid diets. A few years ago, my wife suggested we try a juice fast. The idea of flushing toxins from my body while drinking nothing but juice for 5 days sounded great. My body’s a cesspool of toxins, I love Hawaiian Punch, let’s do this. And then a box of kale water and broccoli nectar arrived on our doorstep, juices that were somehow more boring than regular water. The first day was fine. Halfway through the second day we were both rolling around on the floor, too weak to stand or punctuate our cursing with hand gestures. At my lowest point I tried eating one of the bottles just to feel something real. That night, embarrassed by defeat, we ate at the local Toxin Burger and smashed every glass of water they brought to the table.

Is Soylent Beige for me? Based on that last example, clearly not. But if you live in a part of the world where food isn’t guaranteed every day, it might be a good alternative to dying from malnutrition. Or at the very least, a good alternative to wallpaper paste.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Posted in: awesometalk, food and drink.
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Let’s Slip into Something More Virtual

May 21st, 2014
by John.
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Hold onto your hats, virtual reality is going to be a thing. Actually, you’ll have to take your hat off because it interferes with the helmet and could potentially scramble your brains. Let’s start over. Virtual reality is going to be a thing, especially if you’re not wearing a hat. Perfect. Between the Oculus Rift and Sony’s Project Morpheus, soon your dream of donning a pair of jorts and running through the jungle like Crash Bandicoot can become a reality – A VIRTUAL REALITY IF YOU WILL.

How does virtual reality work, you may be asking? Well, it’s very simple. You put the thing on your head and there’s like screens and mirrors or some shit in there, and when you look down at your hands in the virtual world, they could be anything. They could be crab claws. They could be stupid normal human hands, but maybe they’re adorned with bejeweled armored gloves. They could be bejeweled crab claws. Look, what I’m trying to say is that the possibilities are endless, ok? And that, in a nutshell, is how virtual reality works.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

Both Oculus and Sony are trying to shift the focus away from gaming and instead are promising all new virtual experiences. Imagine the thrill of traveling alongside Neil deGrasse Tyson as you explore the galaxy together, and having him punch you in the face for asking rudimentary questions. “Dr. Tyson, what’s air?” WHAM just PUNCHING PUNCHING buffering… buffering… PUNCHING PUNCHING.

And that’s just one experience. What if we could fuse this virtual reality technology with the fast paced world of online dating? Now instead of an old fashion message from a creep with the subject line I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR CLAVICLE, you can meet this person in a virtual coffee shop and have your avatar’s collarbone leered at from the comfort of your own home. “Mmm yeah, I could really hang my dry cleaning on that shit, so bony and pronounced.” And afterwards, no more awkward walks to your car in the darkened Starbucks parking lot, you can just disconnect from BONE_DESTROYER_420 and live another day with your skeleton safely in tact.

But not all virtual reality experiences are good. I think we should all take a minute and think about what happened in the movie Lawnmower Man. From what I remember from the commercials, a dimwitted fellow, the aforementioned Lawnmower Man, uses virtual reality for some reason and becomes an evil genius. I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be a bad thing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I’m going to assume he could only be stopped with virtual lasers. Is this what Oculus and Sony want? Average joes fighting groundskeepers with lasers in a virtual world? I don’t have time for this.

Sony and Oculus laugh at your obsolete analog reality, with its gears and steam whistles and religion and newsies on street corners proclaiming “Extree extree! Read all about it! Humans still don’t have crab claws, why do they bother existing?” I don’t know, fictional newsie, but I do know this: Analog reality is hot garbage.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Posted in: awesometalk, games, life yo.
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