90’s

Let’s Slip into Something More Virtual

May 21st, 2014
by John.
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Hold onto your hats, virtual reality is going to be a thing. Actually, you’ll have to take your hat off because it interferes with the helmet and could potentially scramble your brains. Let’s start over. Virtual reality is going to be a thing, especially if you’re not wearing a hat. Perfect. Between the Oculus Rift and Sony’s Project Morpheus, soon your dream of donning a pair of jorts and running through the jungle like Crash Bandicoot can become a reality – A VIRTUAL REALITY IF YOU WILL.

How does virtual reality work, you may be asking? Well, it’s very simple. You put the thing on your head and there’s like screens and mirrors or some shit in there, and when you look down at your hands in the virtual world, they could be anything. They could be crab claws. They could be stupid normal human hands, but maybe they’re adorned with bejeweled armored gloves. They could be bejeweled crab claws. Look, what I’m trying to say is that the possibilities are endless, ok? And that, in a nutshell, is how virtual reality works.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

Both Oculus and Sony are trying to shift the focus away from gaming and instead are promising all new virtual experiences. Imagine the thrill of traveling alongside Neil deGrasse Tyson as you explore the galaxy together, and having him punch you in the face for asking rudimentary questions. “Dr. Tyson, what’s air?” WHAM just PUNCHING PUNCHING buffering… buffering… PUNCHING PUNCHING.

And that’s just one experience. What if we could fuse this virtual reality technology with the fast paced world of online dating? Now instead of an old fashion message from a creep with the subject line I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR CLAVICLE, you can meet this person in a virtual coffee shop and have your avatar’s collarbone leered at from the comfort of your own home. “Mmm yeah, I could really hang my dry cleaning on that shit, so bony and pronounced.” And afterwards, no more awkward walks to your car in the darkened Starbucks parking lot, you can just disconnect from BONE_DESTROYER_420 and live another day with your skeleton safely in tact.

But not all virtual reality experiences are good. I think we should all take a minute and think about what happened in the movie Lawnmower Man. From what I remember from the commercials, a dimwitted fellow, the aforementioned Lawnmower Man, uses virtual reality for some reason and becomes an evil genius. I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be a bad thing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I’m going to assume he could only be stopped with virtual lasers. Is this what Oculus and Sony want? Average joes fighting groundskeepers with lasers in a virtual world? I don’t have time for this.

Sony and Oculus laugh at your obsolete analog reality, with its gears and steam whistles and religion and newsies on street corners proclaiming “Extree extree! Read all about it! Humans still don’t have crab claws, why do they bother existing?” I don’t know, fictional newsie, but I do know this: Analog reality is hot garbage.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

I can’t believe the king and queen of my prom went on to be king and queen of the EARTH.

May 16th, 2011
by John.
3 comments

I’m getting old as fuck, and I’m going to assume that you are too. God, remember when life used to be fun? The sense of discovery and wonderment? When every day gave birth to a fresh experience, and yes, I’ll have another serving of mac-and-cheese, Mommy, you’re the best. Man, it seems like it all went downhill the day after you learned to walk. No more getting carried around, no more feedings, no more gentle ass wipings. Ah life, what a stupid pile of bullshit. But deep down inside you knew that your entire life was leading up to one single defining moment. A chance for greatness. A reason to wake up every morning. Your dreams were filled with visions of this event: you’d see yourself walking into a large room, and look! All of your friends are waiting for you and cheering! Hoorah! You’ve done it! You’re HERE! Visions of your parents clutching themselves, standing on the front porch, waving. They’ve never been more proud of you – you are their beautiful daughter or handsome son. Look at you, in your rented clothes. Your ill-fitting shoes. Your awkward-faced date. A corsage in a perspiring plastic box, but don’t pin it to her skin, son! Ah ha ha ha! I love you Dad, and I will be safe tonight. Because this is the most special night of my life. This is my senior prom.

But, what if you’re one of the dozens of folks whose proms didn’t go exactly as planned? What if your date was murdered the day before the prom? Or if Becky Smigelhouse wore the same dress as you even though she KNEW you had to special order your dress from a Sears in New Mexico? Can you believe her cousin actually worked at that exact same Sears in New Mexico and sent her the dress via FedEx? We live in Piscataway! Arrrghhhh, this is the worst prom ever. But now, you can do it all over, because – ADULT PROM, YOU GUYS!

“Prom the way you always wanted it,” the advertisement in Green Bay called out, an attempt to attract would-be revelers whose high school days have come and long gone. “Where the punch is spiked, you don’t have to hide the booze and the band plays loud.”

These are not reunions of former high school classmates eager to relive the prom night they had together. A vast majority of revelers are in their 20s and 30s, although a few are in their early 60s and are simply excited at the prospect of getting decked out and dancing — and voting for the night’s king and queen.
— http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/12/us/12prom.htm

My mom chaperoned my at-home adult prom and crowned me king of the rumpus room.

I’m not going to lie, my senior prom was pretty terrible. My date spent most of the night crying and fighting with all of our friends. I, being a strong and supportive teenage boyfriend, tried to think of the best way to kill myself without anyone noticing. Is it possible to overdose on lemon sorbet? Could I “C’Mon ‘N Ride It (The Train)” out the front door and into traffic (choo choo)? This was the same year as Columbine… someone in this godforsaken hall has to have an automatic weapon, I thought. Unfortunately my survival instincts kicked in and I was forced to live with my embarrassment instead of die from embarrassment. By the end of the night, the limo that once held four happy couples on their way to a blissful night of dancing and chintzy party favors now housed one couple – me and my insane girlfriend. Both of us tired, miserable, and hated by all of our friends. LOVE YOU GUYS! We had, the time of our liiiiiives.

Now that adult proms are a thing, I have a twice-in-a-lifetime chance to do it all over again! If your first prom experience as a senior was good enough that you’d want to experience it all over again, chances are pretty good that nearly ALL of your happiest memories occurred during your four to eight years of high school. And hey, that’s great man. What are you 40? And you still remember the names of your high school teachers and classmates? That’s awesome brah, those were some crazy times! I know you’re super stoked for the adult prom, but maybe I can interest in you in some other adultified experiences that won’t involve renting a tux or dry humping a disinterested co-worker that you begged to go to the adult prom with you.

  • Duck Duck Goose for Gen X’ers
  • Skip-It Championships (50+)
  • Pants Shitting for Gents and Gals in their 30’s
  • Holding Your Breath Until You Get What You Want (Octogenarians only)
  • Lose Your Virginity at 55!
  • Tell Your 90+ Dad to Fuck Off (picture of your dad acceptable)
  • Adult Bra Unhooking
  • Old Oldsing for Olding Olds (OLD JOKE PLUS SIGN)

Youtube Friday Timesink – 4.1.11: Indefinite Flavor Crystals

Apr 1st, 2011
by John.
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Street Fighter 2 is 20 years old, which makes me feel like I’m 1,000 years old. As a kid I would play in arcades and get destroyed by younger child prodigies despite my “Select E. Honda, hit punch over and over and over” technique. Similarly, I just ordered Super Street Fighter 4… why did I do this? I’m gonna play it for about a week, get killed over and over by younger child prodigies that will question my sexuality and ethnic background, then I’ll throw it in the pile of games I don’t play. Here’s a Kirk Cameron-looking dude in a backwards hat just chillin’ at the mall, talkin’ bout street fighters. Happy birthday!

Season 5 of The Whitest Kids U Know is starting next week on IFC. I think it’s the only channel my TV gets because I never switch channels. One night I watched Portlandia, Mr. Show and Evil Dead 2. In a row. Independent Film Channel? More like Infinite Fantastic Content. More like Instoppable Flawless… Characters? I don’t know. Here’s Little Hitler.

Youtube Friday Timesink – 3.18.11 and shit like that.

Mar 18th, 2011
by John.
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Adidas All In featuring Civilization by Justice. New Justice track! I really want to be part of one of the Adidas subcultures seen in this ad. Maybe I could be friends with the skater that falls into the pool. I’d be like, nice ollie Travis! That’s Travis, always taking it to the limit. You guys see those new shelltoes? TIIIIIIIIGHT.

Kevin Smith and Shit. I’m from New Jersey and shit and came of age during Kevin Smith movies and shit like that. I was dorky enough to go to the Quick Stop in Leonardo and shit and stand out in front of it smoking cigarettes and shit like that. So his last movie and shit had the cats Tracy Morgan and shit and Bruce Willis and shit like that and I thought huh and shit, this shit might be kinda funny because I love that cat Tracy Morgan and shit. But it really just made me want to shit and shit like that because that cat Stifler was in it and shit and, c’mon, really? Shit?

Acting Masterclass: Kevin Spacey (from The Peter Serafinowicz Show). I will never get tired of the slow clap that turns into a humiliating lecture.

Youtube Friday Timesink – 3.11.11: I hate videogames for about 30 seconds.

Mar 11th, 2011
by John.
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Terminate Rudeness. When sending your Terminator back in time and out into the world, it’s important that he minds his p’s and q’s. Did he really need to yank that gigantic bearded man that looks like a character from Punch Out out of the phone booth? No, really, look at that guy… he’s straight out of Punch Out. Did Nintendo send him back in time to test the public’s reception of mountainous bearded dudes?

Super Mario Bros. Next Gen. I’m sick of shooting things in games. I played the demo for Bulletstorm and 5 years ago I would have been like, YES. But now I’m very much, NO. See, you can shoot people in their butts and get bonus points and launch them into the air and sodomize their corpse and your guy says stuff like, “Skullfuck my shitlog you fucking titbutt shitcock” because he’s extreme and good at compound naughtiness. Anyway, Super Mario Bros. Next Gen replaces all the bleepy bloopy sound effects with the realistic sounds of today’s games and exemplifies the type of shitfart fuckpow assthing I’m talking about and you know what? Fuck video games.

Nevermind, I love videogames again. Thank you Fantastic Mr. Star Fox.

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