Last night on Awesome Talk I skyped in the following bit of business, heavily inspired by my love of The Heart, She Holler. I even got dressed up, like a real song and dance man. I did not dance, but I’m told there will be a song added in post. Below, please find…
My Video Will (transcript)
Family, friends, I’d like to welcome you to my video will. If you’re watching (reading) this, I am dead. OK so for the time being ignore that part. If you’re watching (reading) this any time other than right now, I am dead, and I can only assume that I died doing what I loved – rescuing blind children from a burning orphanage. How is it possible that I’m always the first on the scene when the blind kid orphanage goes up in flames? Look, some questions are better left unanswered. Clearly you’re having a hard time dealing with my death, and you’re thinking all kinds of crazy mixed up thoughts. That’s the first stage of grieving – accusing the deceased of arson.
Now that I’m dead, you’re probably wondering what you should do with my corpse. It’s very simple: I am to be cremated, and my ashes are to be placed inside the salt and pepper shakers of a dining car headed towards St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin, the snow globe capital of the world. Once they arrive, my ashes are to be placed inside three snow globes. One depicting my ash’s train ride to St. Croix Falls, one depicting my loved ones placing my ashes into three separate snow globes, and one wildcard. The wildcard can be any snowglobe of your choosing, as long as it has some kind of sentimental attachment to me. Maybe depicting that scene in Scream where Rose McGowan is killed by a garage door. Although there wasn’t any snow in that scene… ok scratch that. The wildcard snow globe now has to depict the Battle of Hoth. Also, this probably goes without saying, but never shake the snowglobes.
Now for the earthly possessions segment of my video will. I was a man of simple tastes. I loved nothing more than spending time with my family and friends, having a few drinks and heh heh, having a few laughs. That being said – All of my hard drives are to be destroyed. Drill a thousand holes into them, take them to a firing range and blast them to bits, then submerge the bits in some kind of super acid. As for my online presence, my password for every account is the same, and it is tattooed underneath my left eyelid. Granted, you’re going to have to get a little Aeon Flux on my face to retrieve my master password, but that’s what I would have wanted.
To my wife, I leave my collection of plaid shirts. Remember how we always talked about lining the walls of the house in plaid? How a dead man’s shirts would really spruce up the rumpus room? Well now you can do that honey. I love you so much.
To my friends in Awesome Talk, I leave you all of my unfinished special final words. There’s some real gems in there, like I have this one sentence about a Terminator going to a job fair and scanning the room for complimentary pens. It’s really great, and now it’s yours.
To everyone else in my life, I dunno, baseball cards or something, who cares. So, summing up: I am dead, 3 separate snowglobes, master password under my eyelid. Thank you.