The security guard at my job insists that I a) drink Coronas every day after work and b) have a vast knowledge of DVD pirating software. Let’s start with the first one. I think maybe he saw me at a Christmas party two years ago drinking a Corona and just assumed that was my thing. There’s that guy that stands in the corner, flinching when coworkers approach him, just suckin down Coronas till the Mexican word for cows come home. I should probably ask him about it every time I see him. It never fails:
“Hey how’s it going man, you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?” I think the first time he asked me I started doing finger guns like, psh, hell yeah I’m gonna drink a Corona tonight, what do I look like over here? The second time I said something douchey like, “Haha, at the least!” Like, not only am I going to go home and drink a Corona, I might smoke some drugs. I might kill a man. I’m a ticking fucking time bomb ese, you have no idea. The third time the strange man with a gun asked me if I was going to go home and drink a Corona, I began to question our relationship. What are you, counting my drinks? I don’t have to answer to YOU. With your badge and your suit. Do you know how many LIMES I would go through if I had a Corona every day? Plus, haven’t you heard of the Mexican lime cartels? DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE LIMES ARE RIGHT NOW? I’m not a Templario, ok guy?
Now I’m caught in an infinite conversation loop with a person who doesn’t understand how conversations work, as he attempts to talk to someone that doesn’t want to have a conversation. I don’t have the heart to say, “Dude, this has to stop. I drink all sorts of things ok? I like coffee. I drink water. I drank an indecipherable liquid from a Portuguese soccer trophy once and slipped into a cute little coma for a few hours.” I don’t say these things. Instead I do the ol’, “Heh heh yeah man ok see you later” and then power walk out the door.
The weird thing is, I’m not quite sure what this security guard is guarding. He’s only in the building from 3:30 to 5:00, and there’s nothing there worth stealing. I’m forced to assume that this guy is some kind of Corona spokesperson.
One day he threw me a curveball. I braced myself for the strange line of beer questioning but instead was asked if I could get him a copy of some ancient DVD ripping software. “You know what this is right?” he asked. “I want to make a copy of a DVD so I can watch it on my TV whenever I want.” He was very insistent that I got him some version from the mid 2000’s. I reluctantly nodded and said that I would see what I could do. 7,000 malware and phishing warnings later, I learned that his request was impossible. This thing was banished from the internet, and I would need to download it from some deep web forum that probably sold children’s organs and cocaine by mail.
So I did what any normal person would do – I avoided him for about a month. Eventually he stopped me in the hall, and god help me, I really felt like I let him down. “Sorry man, I don’t think I can get it for you.” His head sunk, his shoulders slumped, all this guy wanted to do was pirate movies, and I failed him. “It’s ok,” he said, “You probably drank too many Coronas, that’s why you couldn’t find it.”
You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.