Add me! (but only if you’re going to post animated gifs all day every day).
Full Google Circles Walkthrough (with audio)
Welcome to Google Circles, the exciting new social networking platform from your friends at Google. If you’ve used Google products in the past, you’re going to feel right at home with Circles! We’ll help you keep in touch with your friends, share your life experiences and have fun, all with a user interface that you’ve come to expect from Google. Let’s take a look at some the key features that set us apart from the other social networking platforms.
Zero Set Up. Thank you for sharing all of your information with Google over the years. We really appreciate it! Now we’re going to return the favor by building your Circles account for you with a single click. We’ve safely stored your name, date of birth, address, social security number, sexual orientation, credit card numbers, fears, hopes, dreams, blood type, communicable diseases, body mass index, fingerprint, perversions and the name of your pets. Once you click Sign Up your Circles account is automatically created with all of your current information.
Building Your Circle. Other social networks scan your contact lists for your friends, but that can yield a lot of false positive results. You’re not friends with AAA or your dentist’s receptionist, right? Google Circles goes one step further by scanning your previous Google searches for names and automatically adding them to your Circle. Remember that time you searched Google for Brianna Mansour? Surely you remember Brianna, you both lost your virginity to each other in high school. You searched for the phrase “brianna mansour dead in car wreck please” on April 16th, 2006. Well, you don’t need to search for Brianna anymore because she’s in your Circle, and she’s doing great! This is just one example of how we can help you build your Circle thanks to the extensive records we’ve been keeping. You’re welcome!
Staying in the Loop. We can also use your daily search history to craft perfect status updates. You don’t even have to do anything, just go about your daily life and Google Circles will handle the rest. Based on your Google searches over the weekend, we’ve created the following status update for you –
Today I’m taking the 6 Train to 33rd STREET LEXINGTON, and walking to 570 SECOND AVENUE – AMC LOEWS KIPS BAY to see “Gnomeo & Juliet 3-D” (1 ticket). Then I’m walking to the nearest Old Navy for size 44 x 28 pants. What do herpes smell like? Then I’m going to eat lunch at McDONALD’S MUST HAVE BALL PIT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Privacy. We take privacy very seriously.
Raise Your Voice! Are you one of the millions of satisfied Android or Google Voice users? Try syncing your phone to your Google Circles account and get ready to have some fun! Randomly throughout the day we’ll record your phone conversations and post them to your page, so you and your friends can listen to your personalized audio time capsule! We call these Voice Updates. Who were you talking to yesterday? Did you talk about Google Circles? Maybe you had a conversation with someone stationed overseas! I’ll bet you hope we randomly recorded that one. We’ve recorded one of your conversations and posted it to your Circles page as an example, take a listen:
Come Full Circles. We’ve spent years working on Google Circles, building the platform from the ground up with the help of your personal data. We couldn’t have done it without you! Over the next few months we’ll be rolling out even more advanced features that will change the way you think about social networking, privacy and the legitimacy of some of our competitors. We think you’ll agree that Google Circles is three hundred and sixty degrees of fun.
Facebook’s mobile network location-based deal check in thing.
Facebook unveiled their plans for a mobile network on Wednesday, and everyone was kinda like, “Oh.†Their biggest announcement was advanced “single sign-on†technology, which means you sign into your account once (like, right now), and then every website in the world links to your Facebook account and you never get signed out or your money back. This is important because… people hate logging into things I guess? Facebook seems pretty focused on improving the “typing your username and password†experience on mobile devices by replacing login screens with big friendly “Log Me In Via My Social Networking Avatar†buttons. Never again will you have to remember your banking information! Just “Facebook it up! (patent pending),†check your balance and then post a status update right from your checking account summary page.
Phyllis McGillicutty just transferred $1,287 from account baby daughter’s college fund to account COCAINE AND SHOESSSSSSSSSSS using TD Waterhouse MobileApp®.
Check in for 10% off grave blankets!
Similarly, when one of my Facebook friends is spewing hate propaganda about the current administration, I can one-click my way over to Amazon (WITHOUT EVER SIGNING IN OR OUT ARE YOU READING THIS) and view a personalized shopping cart filled with Glen Beck pamphlets, teabags and NOBAMA bumper stickers. Then I can just say, “The president is a MOSLIM,†and through the power of voice recognition technology, the items are purchased, shipped, and delivered to my door within two days. Facebook!
Times are hard, and people are cheap. Deal websites are hot right now, because I’m not going to pay full price for 15,000 CD jewel cases, ok? I just won’t. Has this ever happened to you? You’re at the Gap looking at a pair of slacks, and they’re $60, but you only have $48, and you live in a state that doesn’t tax clothing, and you just leave the store because, for real man, you can’t even afford pants? Once again, Facebook’s all up in your shit, saving you fat sacks of cash with their new “Loyalty Ala-Cart Push Location Aware Messaging Service for Deals†system. Here’s how it works:
1. Go to The Gap.
2. Check into The Gap via Facebook Mobile to tell all of your friends that you’re at The Gap.
3. Post a status update about your experience at The Gap so far.
4. “Like†your status from step 3.
5. Receive a digital coupon for 20% off your purchase!
6. Post pictures of yourself in the changing room. You look great!
7. Take your items to the register.
8. Befriend the clerk behind the register.
9. Pay for your purchase, but don’t forget your coupon!
10. Achievement Unlocked – Purchased slacks.
These are just a few of the first steps into full Facebook life integration, and even more exciting developments are on the horizon, and no, this isn’t scary at all! What are the odds of someone stealing your phone and having access to every account that’s tied to your Facebook account that you can never sign out of? I’m pretty sure odds don’t even exist for something as implausible as that. But if you’re like me and you want some cold hard statistics, here you go – one in a hundred million nevers.