Who do I trust, the ad executives who always lie to me, or the general public, who is always wrong?
– Something Awful’s Current Releases
I was having a conversation with my future wife about summer blockbusters that I’m looking forward to seeing, and then remembered that I hate everything and quickly changed the subject to which actress would make a better Catwoman than Anne Hathaway. Our short list included Jocelin Donahue (from The House of the Devil), Sigourney Weaver, Linda Hamilton, Karen O, Nicki Minaj, Danny DeVito, our cat… pretty much anyone other than Anne Hathaway. Heath Ledger made a great Joker because he licked his lips a lot and then he died; he’s going to be tough to beat. Furthermore, do I want to deal with Christian Bale and his ri-goddamn-diculous Batman voice? All signs point to –> click this link to see what all signs point to.
But that’s next summer, right? This summer I’m looking forward to Super 8, J.J. Abrams’ take on Spielbergian action/adventure movies from the 80’s. This is a great idea! Do this! All the time! NEVER STOP.
And that’s about it! More shitty comic book movies, more movies starring action figures, more cartoons. You guys are doing great. Film Industry: I’m almost 30, I have $20, I like gigantic drinks and cold theaters. I really want to give you my money but you insist on releasing movies I don’t care about. Who the fuck is the Green Lantern? Did he ever fight the Green Hornet? Is he the same person as the Green Hornet? If not, you should consider changing the name of your superhero because the Green Hornet movie bombed, and nobody likes Seth Rogan anymore. How about Bright Lantern? That makes more sense. Or even Yellow Lantern if it has to be a color. I’ll take two tickets for Bright Yellow Lanterns, please.
Let’s talk about Transformers for a second, can we please? Maybe it’s because the transforming robots that I played with as a child were of the GoBot variety, but I could not give a smaller fuck about these movies. You see, I — no, seriously, I played with GoBots as a kid. Oh sure, go ahead, laugh at the old man with the knock-off toys. My parents didn’t know the difference, ok? Maybe it helped me learn to be more accepting of the less fortunate, but you have to admit – this thing is awesome, and I played with it nearly every day of my life until last year. Fuck Transformers. GOBOTS – HOOOOOOOOOO…
…OOOOOOOO boy.